An Immodest Puppet's Proposal
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: What starts out as a drabble about Zelda and upskirts, quickly devolves into a treatise on the nature of madness, as against all logic, I give into temptation and try to write a LinkHarem fic. Oocness & minor ocs. Come for the humor, stay for the madness.
1. Broken Destiny

**An Immodest Puppet's Proposal**

**This idea came to me while I was fighting Ganondorf in Twilight Princess. **

* * *

Link was having trouble focusing in his fight against Ganondorf... Er, Zelda... That is to say, Zelda possessed by Ganondorf.

Anyways, he couldn't pay attention to Zelda's attacks, because every time he looked at her, he ended up seeing up her dress. It was very distracting.

Especially since she wasn't wearing any underwear.

* * *

**Does wishing I could see up Zelda's skirt during that fight make me a bad person? **

**... Is it just me, or is this short, even by my standards?**

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**... Y'know what, it is rather short. Well, I can fix that!**

* * *

"Link... I... See you later..."

_'And she raced up the stairs of light, and warped to the realm of twilight...'_

The tear touched the mirror, and the mirror cracked, but it didn't break apart. The stairs disappeared and Midna crashed to the ground, flabbergasted by this turn of events.

_'...Or not.'_

"What the hell?" Midna exclaimed, "I had this all planned out! What could have went wrong?" She turned around to see the image of the Triforce, superimposed over the cracked mirror.

"You want to know something interesting, Midna?" Link whispered dangerously, "When I killed Ganondorf, I took his Triforce of Power, and Zelda let me borrow her Triforce of wisdom. Combined with my Triforce of Courage, that gave me all three pieces of the Triforce. And, as everyone knows, if someone with a pure heart holds the complete Triforce, it will grant them a wish."

Midna gulped. This seemed very ominous.

"Do you want to know what I wished for, Midna?" Link continued, sounding more cheerful, "I wished for a harem. And I wished for you and Zelda to be the chief maidens of my harem, you got that?"

"What!" Zelda exclaimed in outrage, "You're a mere peasant! What makes you think I would ever be your _concubine?"_ She hissed the last word in contempt.

Link smiled. "Yeah, that's the interesting part. It turns out, I wasn't supposed to be the destined hero. I was just supposed to get married to my friend Illia, have kids, and die of old age. But the twili, they screwed things up, you see - Zant and Midna, in particular. You see, the crown was supposed to go to Zant from the start, and Midna was supposed to be his bride. After Midna and Zant consummated their marriage, Midna would have – _should have_ – strangled him in his sleep, and that would have been that. But since it didn't happen that way, and I had to sacrifice a peaceful life to sort it out, the goddesses decided that I deserved some compensation for all my trouble, so they bent the rules and granted my wish."

"What!" Now it was Midna's turn to be outraged, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, my dear Midna," Link said, pinching her cheek playfully, "That you are now my bitch."

* * *

**Well now, _that_ sure turned out differently than I expected. But you know what? I think I like this idea. I think I'll try and see if I can make this a multi-chaptered Zelda fic! _(Even though it's a foregone conclusion that this is guaranteed to bite me in the ass...)_**

**TTFN...**


	2. No Place Like Home

**An Immodest Puppet's Proposal**

**Chapter 2:**

**No Place Like Home**

* * *

**Well, the way I see it, if I'm gonna do this, I might as well give it my all. And honestly, I'm surprised I got a review even though the first chapter only had fifteen hits. So thanks to Selonianth for reviewing, favoriting, and alerting this story, and thanks to FFMMCLXIV, for also favoriting and alerting this story.**

**Also, the rating of the fic has been raised to M because of my inability to keep from describing some of my more perverse and bizarre ideas. There is also the introduction of an original character who really only exists to fill out Link's harem. **

Treasure: Just this train wreck over with, Fuzzy.

Fairy Kyuubi (somehow sporting multiple bandages): Uhhh, yeah, sure... Whatever she said...

**Fine. Here we go.**

* * *

Link, Zelda, and Midna prepared to leave the Mirror Chamber. After the previous day's events, they had spent the night deciding what to do.

_Flashback_

_Midna and Zelda were seated on opposite sides of a small fire Link had lit on the floor of the mirror chamber. They were trying to decide how inform the Twili of their leader's fate._

"_I still think I should tell them," Midna growled stubbornly._

_Zelda glowered at the dark princess. "After you tried to abandon Link and destroy the only link between the light and shadow? I should think not!"_

"_Tch, if I'd known what Link was gonna do, I probably would have killed him first." The impish Twilit muttered darkly. She looked at the stone slab upon which the portal to the Twilight Realm rested, and her expression softened. "So close... Yet so far..." She whispered sadly. Then she gave a startled cry._

_Zelda, surprised by Midna's outburst, followed her gaze to where the shining stairs had suddenly appeared. At their summit, a million fragments of twilight were assembling themselves into... something. She gasped when she realized it was Link. Had she and Midna truly been so engrossed in their debate as to not notice Link going through the portal in the first place? She could scarcely believe it, and part of her longed to reach out, and touch Link's perfectly formed muscles... Er, to find out if he was real or not, that is. _

_Then he turned toward her, and jumped down to where he was mere centimeters from her, their lips almost touching, and Zelda blushed and backed up from Link, gasping out meaningless apologies for nothing in particular._

_He smiled, despite how brave she had been when facing against Ganondorf, here she was reduced to a simpering child by the mere proximity of the man she knew was destined to plight her proverbial trough. He realized that, because of this, it would be a while before she was emotionally ready for him to claim her completely. But he also knew that it would make it all the sweeter when she finally surrendered her body to his sensual appetites, and became his in mind, body, and soul._

_Link then turned his gaze to Midna, and took a good look at her. It was the first time since her curse was lifted that he had really considered her. He had spent nearly all of his adventure with her, and he had gotten to know who she really was beneath her mischievous facade: she was a proud and willful woman, who, like great steeds of myth, could never be tamed by force. If someone pushed her, she pushed back. But beneath even that, hidden so deep that he only ever noticed it when he was in his wolf form, were fear and confusion, and it had eaten at her daily, killing her from within. It was her only weakness, and Link was likely the only person alive that knew it._

"_Well," Link said nonchalantly, "The Twili know."_

_Midna stared into his eyes fearfully before nervously averting her gaze, and she said, barely above a whisper, "What did you tell them? H-h-" Her voice wavered, "H-how did they take it?" She swallowed her turbulent emotions. Why was she acting like this? She steeled her resolve and looked again into the icy blue depths of Link's eyes. In them, she saw only hunger, for she refused to believe that this was same compassionate individual who had selflessly lent her assistance. "Well?" She spat venomously._

_Link, who had been distracted by Midna's strangely emotional state, snapped out of his trance and said, "Oh, right. Don't worry, I just told them that the struggle against Ganon had left you unable to face them, and that at length you decided to stay in the world of light with the destined hero to help restore the honor of the Twili. They took it well enough, and they picked someone else to rule the Twilight. They'll do fine without you, Midna," He smiled confidently, "If they're anything like you, they'll just pick themselves up off the ground and go on with their lives."_

_Midna blushed a dark blue, in spite of herself. _'Maybe it's still him after all...' _She thought. That optimism, that bright disposition... _This_ was the man she had fallen in love with. _

"_Well then, now that Link has taken care of the Twili, perhaps we should try and figure out how to break the news to the people of Hyrule?" Zelda interjected, strongly hinting that they should attend to this matter as soon as possible._

"_Exactly," Link agreed, "We wouldn't want your subjects to think you'd been captured."_

"_But how should we go about telling them...?" Midna idly wondered, "We cannot just tell them that their beloved princess is become as the chattel of a peasant boy, now, can we? No, we can't," she answered her own rhetorical question, "But how to do it... how... to... do it..."_

"_Yes, that _would_ seem to be the crux of the issue," Zelda muttered, half to herself._

_Link yawned. "Right now I don't care. It is late and I need sleep. We all need sleep," He said pointedly, looking at his two women, "We can figure it out on the way to Hyrule." _

_Midna looked at him strangely. "What do you mean? You make it sound as if we must walk there. I shouldn't have any problem warping us there."_

"_No, that's not it. I have a few stops I wish to make, and I'm certain Zelda has some last diplomatic acts in mind. Specifically regarding the state of Hyrule Castle, perhaps?" He hinted, and the Hylian princess's eyes lit up in understanding._

"_Of course!" Zelda exclaimed, much to the chagrin of Midna, who was still a bit lost on what Link was talking, although she had an idea of what he meant._

"_But I thought you said we would use the time to figure out what to do about the people of Hyrule? But if we do as you're suggesting, we won't have any time to decide on a course of action," She pointed out._

_That realization hit Link like a brick. Midna had a point, and a damn good one at that. Attempting to regain his composure, Link said, "Ah! You're right, Midna. Hmm," He rubbed his sparse but scratchy chin hair thoughtfully, "Maybe Zelda could say something like, she's sorry about all that's happened lately and feels responsible for everyone's difficulties and she has decided to abdicate the throne so someone worthier than her can rule Hyrule. What do you think?" He asked them._

_Zelda looked pensive for a few moments, but she reluctantly admitted, "Yes... That does sound... Legitimate," She said shamefacedly._

_Midna looked at Zelda, then at Link, then at Zelda again. As much as she hated to admit it, Link possessed an eerie talent for fabricating diplomatic half-truths. "Sure, what Zelda said."_

_End Flashback_

Now that they had finished packing up their bags, Midna turned to Link. "Well, master," She shuddered internally at using such a foreign word, "Will we be warping, or will we walk?" She had no idea why she had felt the need to ask such a ridiculous question - they both knew that the pass that served as the only way in, or out, of the Gerudo Desert had been blocked by a landslide. Hell, it was the reason they ended up having to enter the desert by cannon the first time.

And apparently, Link also realized it was rather strange, because he looked at her oddly before shaking his head and answering, "We will be warping, Midna. And I would like our first stop to be the Zora's Domain."

Zelda nodded her head absentmindedly in agreement. "Yes... Zora's Domain...That will be our first stop," She murmured distantly. _'They have suffered so much... And now, we may soon be adding to their great burden even more...'_ She thought sadly.

Seeing no argument coming from either of them coming from them any time soon, Midna closed her eyes and temporarily surrendered her senses to the mixed magics of light and shadow that now flowed through Hyrule.

* * *

Even though she had done it a thousand times before, Midna briefly lost herself to the magic when she performed the spell that would enable her to safely transport Link, Zelda, and herself through the twilight portals, which, though invisible to normal folk - light dwellers and twili alike, still dotted the the skies over Hyrule.

She had often heard tales of light dwelling magicians who claimed that magic flowed through people, and she always laughed. Although a part of her acknowledged that the lack of magical skill on the part of light dwellers wasn't necessarily their own fault, she still considered such claims about the nature of magic, demonstrative of a profound and laughable lack of magical know-how. As any Twili enchanter worth their salt could tell you, magic only flows through one if one possesses little control, and that for one's spell casting to even reach amateur levels, one must become_ one _with magic_. _

By extending her consciousness deep into the primeval ether that was the essence of all created things, Midna was able to find what she was looking for, the particular rift in time and space that would allow them to emerge at the right place and time, for the plane they were passing through, would pass through, had passed through exists, would exist, had existed parallel to time.

Taking extra care to make certain they all arrived in perfect condition, Midna moved with and through Link and Zelda's essences, and guided them through the twilight portal onto the steps that led to the throne of Prince Ralis of the Zora. Then she separated herself from the magic, and materialized right where she had set Link and Zelda, only to find Zelda lying on the ground, pale and cold, with Link on top of her, rhythmically compressing her chest and periodically breathing into her mouth. At first, Midna was worried she done something wrong, but then she noticed that Zelda's clothes were soaking wet. "What's going on here?" She demanded, her tone clearly permeated with worry for the Hylian princess's well being.

_Flashback to a few moments earlier._

_When Link opened his eyes – or rather, when there was once more something to see, he saw the blue and white rock from which the ancestors of the Zoras had hewn their home. Though it was essentially a cave, Zora's Domain was nothing like a normal cave. The walls, carefully carved to give the impression of a natural origin, were covered with the dappled sunlight from outside reflected by the water that occupied the center of the throne room. And at dawn, the vibrant light of first morning shines across the scales of the Zoras, making them seem both strange and wonderful, possessed of an unearthly beauty and grace. _

_It was such a sight that had first compelled him to court a certain Zora called Rita, who, though homely by the standards of her kin, had appeared exceedingly fair to him with her abnormally soft, small scales and her freakishly large breasts, which were considered hideous by Zora standards. His first time with her had been incredible, despite, or perhaps _because_ of, the obvious anatomical incompatibility between fish and mammals which prevented them from actually having intercourse. But his persistence and inventiveness led him to an amazing discovery, namely that the selfsame traits that enabled Zoras to eat algae and other microscopic lifeforms also lent themselves remarkably well to giving fantastic head. _

_Briefly, Link thought of submerged cavern beneath his feet, which was secretly connected to a subterranean tunnel of indeterminate length, through which came the waters that flowed forth from the Zoran throne room and tumbled down the falls and in the main river that fed Lake Hyrule, which was in turn drained by a series of narrow caves, which were also in turn connected to the four sacred springs, and even to the Goron hot springs on Death Mountain. __Initially, the Zoras had been astonished that a land dweller, even one who wore the Zora Tunic, could be so interested in their culture and their world, but they eventually came to accept it. _

_Link was so absorbed in his own thoughts, that at first he didn't notice Zelda. Link was accustomed to both warping and the slick floors of the Zora's Domain, but Zelda wasn't used to either of those things. The moment she materialized on the steps leading up to the Zora throne, she was disoriented and she set her weight on her feet wrong, causing her to lose her balance and slip into the water. On the way down, her head struck a rock and she fell unconscious._

_End flashback._

After Zelda had come to, and everyone had settled down,sent his bodyguards away so he could speak with trio in private, and Link explained their situation.

"I see," Ralis said quietly, "If what you say is true, then I feel obligated as the price of the Zoras, I feel obligated to both offer our assistance in rebuilding Hyrule Castle, as well as allow Link to choose a concubine from among the Zoras."

"Rita," Link said without hesitation.

Ralis looked at him like he was crazy, and said, "Okay, whatever you want. I will summon her, then you may depart."

* * *

**Wow. I had no intentions of writing a chapter this long, but for most of it the words just flowed out from my head and on to the screen. I think this is hands down the longest anything I've ever written in one sitting.**

**Well, R&R everyone!**

**TTFN **


	3. Welcoming Rita

**An Immodest Puppet's Proposal**

**Chapter 3:**

**Welcoming Rita**

"Link? Is it true? You want me in your harem?" Someone whimpered, "I'd be glad to do whatever you want, master. Minstrels will sing ballads of how I, Rita, pleased you," She said huskily.

Link, Midna, and Zelda were in a private cavern adjacent to the throne room because Ralis had insisted that Link and Rita consummate their relationship in Zora's Domain. Zelda blushed deep red at the sight of the female Zora leaning over a confused Midna, her heaving, pendulous breasts enveloping the twilight princess's neck and resting on her shoulders.

Rita reached down and started playing with Midna's breasts through the silky cloth of her top. "Does this please you, master?" She asked Link, "Or perhaps you would prefer if I played with the brown haired one?"

Link smirked, and a lustful expression came over his face. "Of course, my servant, but I think that I have a better idea..." And scarcely before he had finished his sentence, he was behind Rita, and Zelda could see Link's little warrior just outside the entrance of Rita's cloaca.

She gasped. There was no way Rita could safely accommodate Link's dick in her cloaca, Zoras reproduced like fish, she wasn't designed to handle something like what Link was planning to do. "Link, stop! You'll hurt her!" Zelda pleaded.

"No, Zelda." It wasn't Link who answered, but Rita, "I want to make my master happy, and if this makes him happy, then I will do it."

"Have you guys forgotten about someone?" Came a muffled, but distinctly miffed voice.

"Of course I didn't forget about you, Midna," Link answered her, "But I thought you might want to get used to this kind of thing sooner, rather then later," He stated matter-of-factly.

Midna paused. _'He... Wants me to join him...?' _Part of her thought.

_'Of course he wants you to join in,' _Answered a more cynical, jaded part of her, _'Because that means another thing he can stick his dick into,' _

_'But... That sounds nice to me...'_ The first part thought longingly, _'And I've heard that it's very enjoyable...'_

_'You're hopeless!'_ The second part thought back, _'Would you really throw away your dignity for a bit of his cock? You disgust me, you whore.'_

_'I'm not a whore,' _The former part thought.

_'Really? And what makes you say that? What other reason could there be for you wanting his dick to stuff your insides, hmm?'_

_'Because... I love him,'_

_'Fine then, go be with him. In the end you'll only regret it,' _And with that, Midna had made her decision.

"I'll join in," She said firmly.

Link smiled even more, "Well, Rita, it looks like you get to help me break Midna in," Link said, before removing himself from her entrance. "Now, Midna," He whispered into her ear, "What do you want to do?"

"Pa-paizuri," She murmured in embarrassment.

"I dunno," Rita chimed in helpfully, "Your breasts don't look big enough for that," Midna whispered something in response. "What was that?"

"I said," Midna rasped, louder, "I can make them bigger." She muttered an incantation and gestured toward her chest, but nothing happened. At first, Midna was confused, but then the realization dawned on her. "I'm not the princess anymore... I don't have access to that level of magic," She moaned.

"Well, maybe it doesn't matter," Zelda said akwardly, sitting down next to her "I mean, Link has the Triforce of Power, maybe he can make them bigger," She comforted Midna uncertainly.

Midna looked at Link hopefully, but Link looked down at his feet, "I don't think I should; the Triforce of Power is hard to control. If I tried to expand Midna's breasts, they could likely explode," He said glumly.

Midna looked down in disappointment. "But, I wanted to do paizuri..." She sighed, "Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I should wait a little longer."

Link nodded thoughtfully. "That's fine, Midna. I can wait for you," He grinned from ear to ear.

Zelda went back to her corner of the cavern, where she settled down and prepared to go to sleep. After she found a good spot to put her sleeping bag, which she had been given to her by her aunt as a gift for her sixteenth birthday, she got in and laid herself down. She adjusted the bundled up traveling cloak she was presently using in lieu of a proper pillow, and thought about all that had happened. Eventually her thoughts turned to Link, in particular.

_'He is an enigma,'_ She thought to herself, _'At times, he seems to only care about sex and his own gratification, but at other times he is selfless and noble. Which is the true Link? Or are they both Link? Is it possible for a single person to possess two such opposing egos?' _As these questions swirled in her head, she began slipping into sleep. As she was upon the brink of dreams, a thought came to her, and were she awake, she would have given it heed. _'In... fact... when... did... he... start... acting... like... this...?' _And then her thoughts were lost to oblivion.

* * *

While Zelda and Midna slept peacefully, Link and Rita had a rendevous with Iza, who had been visiting with her employee.

"So," Iza smirked, "You, Link, are building yourself a harem, and you decided that you wanted someone with my fine ass?"

"Yep," Link answered, "What do you say? Will you join?"

"Of course," Iza grinned as she slipped out of her top, "I've heard tell from Rotel that you're... What, sixteen, seventeen inches? That's a once in a millenium opportunity, you know."

Link laughed. "I don't know where they got such a ridiculous number, I'm only eleven inches."

Iza frowned for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders. "Meh, why not. That's still a damn sight bigger than most guys."

Rita giggled. "Don't worry, it gets longer when it's hard," She reassured.

Iza's eyes bugged out of her head. "It's eleven inches... When it's soft? That's an ungodly huge dick!" She exclaimed in astonishment.

"Don't worry," Link purred, "It'll only hurt for a few days," With that said, he yanked down Iza's pants, undergarments and all. Her buttocks were firm but large, and Link drooled slightly at the sight of them.

"Uhh..." Iza whimpered, "Could you move, Link? You're really worrying me back there. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were planning on taking me up the ass..."

Link laughed, it was almost sinister in its sound. "That's because that's exactly what I plan on doing," He said.

* * *

**--LEMON CENSORED-**-

**Nothing to see here, move along.**

* * *

Midna looked at Link in surprise. She couldn't believe what she had just seen.

"See ya, sweetie," Iza giggled as she walked away. "Maybe you could stop by at work tomorrow, hm?"

Link grinned. "Sure thing," He turned around and headed back. "We might as well get ready to go," He said to himself.

Midna took that as her cue to pretend to be asleep, and it was just a few moments before Link walked back in. "Wake up!" he shouted to her and Zelda. "We've got a wet and bumpy ride ahead of us."

Midna pretended to rub the sleep out of her eyes before asking Link, "Where's Rita?"

"She decided to visit her friend down the river," Link said by way of explanation.

"I see," Midna nodded absentmindedly. She was looking at Link like he had grown a second head. _'That was disturbing: watching him treat Iza and Rita like dirt. Yet they didn't seem to mind... Is such the power sex holds over a mortal? That they would sacrifice their dignity for a moment's satisfaction? Surely this is something to be feared!' _She was wary about Link's apparent flips in personality. Even as they gathered their bags together, he chatted animatedly about how much he liked Rita.

It was disgusting, she decided, how sex seemed to occupy everyone as of late. Her defenses had fallen once, and she had almost debased herself, convinced it would prove to Link how she loved him. She would not let it happen again. Something was up, and she wasn't going to rest until she got to the bottom of it.

Suddenly, she gave a start. Something _was_ amiss, she realized, but not the kind of something she been thinking about.

"Where in the hell is Zelda?" She exclaimed.

* * *

**Well, I have a lemon for this chapter, but it isn't done yet. When it is done, the chapter will make more sense, but you will have to read it on hentai-foundry (dot) com under my account there (which is also EvilFuzzy9). The reason I am posting it there is because, even in development as it is, it already contains some relatively offensive content that I wouldn't feel safe posting on FF dot net. Also, don't expect the lemon to be that spectacular, because I am not very good at writing lemons. Then why am I writing one for the story at all, you might ask? Because, believe it or not, this story does have a rough plot, of sorts, and the lemons (will hopefully) actually help you all understand and appreciate the story on a deeper level, and some of the future ones may have significant plot relevance. **

**Sorry for the relative shortness, but I was worried that if I went to long without updating, my passion for the fic would dry up, never to return (-cough-MetroidLegacies-cough-).**

**Also, for those of you who were confused, paizuri is, from my understanding, a Japanese term (it may or may not be slang) that essentially equates to titf'ck. I try not to throw around Japanese in my fics any more, but I find paizuri to be a much more pleasant sounding term. That's all, for now.**

**TTFN!**


	4. Where's Zelda?

**An Immodest Puppet's Proposal**

**Chapter 4:**

**Where's Zelda?**

_'Ow, my head...' _Zelda thought as she turned restlessly in her sleeping bag. _'Wait a minute... Why am I in a sleeping bag?' _She looked up and around at her surroundings. It seemed she was in some kind of cave. _'And where am I?' _She wondered, _'Was I kidnapped...? No, that can't be it. If I had been kidnapped, I would probably be tied up, and I wouldn't be in my own sleeping bag,' _She reasoned.

Suddenly, Zelda a moan coming from one of the caverns. _"Bend over and suck it, bitch!"_ Someone commanded from down the same tunnel. She wasn't sure, but Zelda had a feeling that someone was being raped. Fear wracked her body. She must have been abducted by one of those serial rapists she had heard so much about!

Her imagination ran wild. She thought about all the things the man might have done, and what he could possibly be planning to do to her... But wait a minute! When she thought about it further, she realized that it didn't make any sense. From what little she knew, Zelda was certain a rapist would never abduct such a high-profile target.

In fact, she knew of only one thing that fit the bill: the wicked Troll-Men from her bedtime stories. They would seek out fair and proud maidens, and abduct them. Once they had several such women, they would head home to the halls of the Troll-King. They would only travel at night, for the touch of sunlight would turn them to stone. So at the end of each night, they would find a cave to hide in. Then they would select the least beautiful girl, and they would pass the day by doing horrible things to her. At sundown they would finish it by eating the poor thing alive to keep up their strength.

They would go on in this manner for several days until they were finally home. They would then give the remaining women to their fell king as a sacrifice. Those fairest maidens would suffer the worst fate, for they would have to endure the most insidious torments of the Troll-King for six moons, after which he would swallow them whole, where they would writhe with agony in his belly while being digested for another six moons.

In spite of - or perhaps because of - the fact that it was a most gruesome tale, it was Zelda's favorite bedtime story as a child, and she would request it from her nursemaids every night. She had been fascinated with the outlandish Troll-Men, their king in particular. By the time she was too old for bedtime stories, Zelda had overheard the chambermaids telling a decidedly more mature version of the story, where the gouging out of eyes with red hot iron brands was replaced by the methodical and thorough violation of various bodily orifices at the metaphorical hands of the comically and grotesquely oversized genitals of the Troll-Men.

For many years after that, Zelda would pleasure herself to her own versions of the story, which mostly concerned the Troll-King becoming smitten with her beauty and subsequently asking for her hand in marriage. Every one of these stories would end with her fictionally betrothed mate magically transforming into a handsome prince (while still retaining his gargantuan penis) and consummating their union in a series of imaginative ways.

Zelda silently hoped she was really as enchanting as she had always believed, for she did not like the idea of becoming a snack for some commoner. She was a princess, damnit! If she had to be eaten alive, she would rather have it be at the hands (or gullet, as it were) of the mighty Troll-King, not a lowly minion.

_'And who knows?' _She thought idly, _'Maybe my stories will come true...' _Her nether regions grew moist at that thought.

All of a sudden, an icy chill shot down Zelda's spine. She felt like someone had just tread upon her royal grave in a most disrespectful manner. She looked down the tunnel that the moaning had been coming from. She heard footsteps coming up.

Her eyes darted left and right, and upon spotting a good path, she quickly and quietly made a run for it. She could feel a breeze coming from the tunnel she had chosen. As she ran down the tunnel, she thought she heard a vaguely familiar voice shout: _"Where the hell is Zelda?"_

She quickened her pace.

* * *

Midna swore and Link frowned. Rita cocked her head to one side. "Might I be of some help, master?"

"No," Link shook his head. There wasn't much Rita would be able to do for him in this situation. She might have been great at giving head, but that was pretty much her only talent.

Midna frowned. "Link, when Zelda fell into the water, did she happen to hit her head?"

"Yeah, why?" Link responded, unsure what Midna was thinking.

Midna swore. "She must have a concussion..."

"What do you mean?" Link asked. He didn't like the sound of that.

"I mean, she's probably lost and confused. She shouldn't have gone to sleep with a concussion. Now she could be anywhere, and who knows what could be going through her head?" Midna replied. This wasn't good. As much as she hated to admit it, she _liked_ Zelda. She was one of the few people Midna considered her equal. As far as she was concerned, she and Zelda were the only sane people in Hyrule.

"Oh! I have an idea!" Rita bounced up and down eagerly.

Link groaned internally. He now remembered why he had severed ties with Rita the first time. Fish or not, Rita fit the stereotype of well-endowed airhead to a 't'. "Yes...?"

"Why don't we split up and head down the separate tunnels? That way we're sure to find her!" Rita chirped.

"Or I could just turn Link into the sacred beast and he can sniff her out," Midna interjected calmly. She knew that her plan was their best chance of finding Zelda. Except she had a nagging feeling at the back of her mind that it wouldn't work. But what could it be?

Link scratched his chin. "Wait," He said, "Wasn't Zant's power shattered with the defeat of Ganondorf? How do you propose we would carry out the transformation?"

Midna's shoulders slumped. There it was. The reason her plan couldn't work. "Well..." She conceded reluctantly, "I suppose you're right. Rita's plan it is, then."

Link nodded. Not counting the tunnel Rita and he had just come up from, there were two others connected to the guest chamber they were occupying, and Link knew for a fact that one of the paths split into two further on. "Okay. Rita, you go through the northeastern tunnel, and Midna and I will go down the northern one. If any of us finds Zelda, we will whistle for the others, got that?" The girls nodded. "Good. Now, let's go!" With that, they were off.

* * *

Zelda looked around to see if anyone was following her. She couldn't see anyone. Good. With one last look at the water falls, she darted down the tunnel.

She wasn't sure why, but she felt like it was getting colder as she ran.

* * *

Link gave a start. "I think I know where Zelda is!" He exclaimed.

"What? Where?" Midna asked.

"I think she's going to snowpeak!"

"Huh? Where did you get that idea?" Midna frowned.

"Oh, it's just a hunch," Link muttered, "But we'll have to warp there if we want to head her off." Midna stared at him like he had grown a second head. "What?" Link asked.

"_'Head her off'_?"

"... Oh, shut up," Link snapped, "And just warp us there already!"

Midna smirked. "But of course, _master_," She said sarcastically. She was getting a feeling for Link's mood swings, and it seemed that he only acted strangely when he was horny. Midna planned to use this knowledge to her advantage. "But what will we do about Rita?" She flicked his forehead irreverently.

Without warning, Link struck Midna across the face. "Don't you _ever _talk to me like that," He grabbed her ass. "Got that?"

Midna looked away from Link. "Y-yes,"

Link squeezed Midna's ass more tightly. "Look me in the eyes and say it," He commanded.

Midna looked into his eyes. They were icier than the top of snowpeak mountain. She blushed a dark purple. "Yes, master," She found it very hard to look into his eyes without seeing what he had done to Iza.

What was happening to her Link?

* * *

**Woohoo! I can log in again! I've been waiting to post this on this site for a few days, but it looks like they finally fixed the problem. **

**Also, since I have to read a seven hundred page biography and then write a book report on it, it'll probably be a little while before I can update again. **

**Hot damn, this chapter took forever to do, and not just because I had to spend four hours copying the first page and a half of this chapter on to paper, and **_**then **_**type it onto another computer (It's a long story). That's how devoted I am to you guys, so you all had better review (or not).**

**And on a related note, I almost never have these chapters planned out much more than what you see, so while I do have a rough idea for where the story will go, the journey will, for the most part, be largely spontaneous. But that's just how I write, I suppose.**

**Lastly, I must say that I have come to, in a way, hate Metroid Legacies. So... Yeah, don't expect much to happen with it, other than maybe an occasional update (and that's a big maybe).**

**TTFN! **


	5. Conquering Hyrule

**An Immodest Puppet's Proposal**

**Chapter 5:**

**Conquering Hyrule**

**...**

**Hello, everyone, this chapter sees the introduction of another OC, as well as fifty percent more parody, and maybe even a lemon or two.**

**Disclaimer: EvilFuzzy9 does not own Nintendo, nor the rights to the Legend of Zelda franchise.**

**Revenge of the Disclaimer: EvilFuzzy9 does not endorse Communism as an actual system of government, nor does he endorse promiscuous sex or the degradation of women - this is a work of parody, and all things within should be treated as such.**

**Except this:**

**Public Service Announcement: Kids, wait to have sex - waiting makes it all the sweeter. Or, failing that, at least use protection and don't sleep around - otherwise you'll regret it later. Seriously.**

**End of seriousness.**

**Okay, now that should cover just about everything. Let's go!**

* * *

Hanz was not having a good day. The night before had found him tossing and turning in his bed, trying to get some sleep after a tough day of drilling the recruits (who were downright pathetic) and dealing with nobles squabbling over the throne, a throne which was buried under countless tons of rubble! And now he woke up, to find that some of the more daring soldiers must have painted his face while he was sleeping. Under any other circumstances, he would have demoted those soldiers so quickly they would suffer shell-shock from it. _Under any other circumstances_. But he couldn't afford to demote anyone - not after the invasion of the twilit beasts - the Hylian army was in shambles and they couldn't even hold the nearest outpost for fear of leaving castle town unprotected. If anything, whoever was responsible for the prank had to have had a considerable surplus of chutzpa to risk the wrath of the Captain of the Town Guard, Hanz "The Rockheart" Heineman, and thus deserved a promotion.

Indeed, if there was one thing he was known for (besides being one of the only surviving officers from before the invasion), it was the fact that his was a no-nonsense attitude with an apparent lack of any form of human compassion. There was even a rumor currently circulating among the rookies that he once caught one of his men at a brothel when he should have been at his post, and as punishment, castrated the poor bastard. Of course, it wasn't true. Hanz had a bit of a soft spot for women of the night, himself, and he would never go so far as to castrate someone.

He looked at his reflection in the simple stone washbasin in the corner of his tenement. It appeared that the miscreant had written _'I love to be fucked by men' _all over his face.

Screw the promotion, someone was going to _die_.

* * *

"Line up, maggots!" Hanz bellowed in his gravelly voice. "Since it appears that someone," He looked over the men to see their reactions, "Has decided to break into my quarters, you will all be running laps around the city - in full armor!" There was a chorus of groans. "No complaining, maggots! Now run!" He watched in satisfaction as the men started running. Regardless of the prank, they still respected (or feared) their captain enough to follow orders.

With that out of the way, Hanz decided to review his mental checklist: _'Get back at soldiers,' _Check. _'Inspect the barracks,' _Check. _'Drill troops on emergency protocols,' _He would do that after lunch. _'Prepare for date,' _Ah, yes. He had a date after his shift patrolling the city walls. It was with a lovely young lady of noble stock. Her father had been a knight, if he was not mistaken...

Nonetheless, she was a kindred spirit: ambitious and cunning, with just a hint of sadism. Her only real fault was her idealistic tendencies, and that was really just a matter of her being about twelve years his junior. Yes, the two of them would do what was best for Hyrule - by seizing leadership from those fat, lazy aristocrats. No longer would the wealth of the kingdom be held by the upper crust; it would be shared equally among the people!

As he thought, he walked down the east road, past the clustered houses and the dirty alleys, until he had reached his destination. The tall captain looked up at the east gate. As normal, it was slightly ajar. Hanz had always been curious about why they did that, and when he had asked his father, a well-known merchant, about it, he simply mumbled something about negative feedback from players. That was the last time Hanz asked about it, even though it continued to confound him to this very day.

A loud yell shook Hanz from his reverie. A soldier atop the gate was shouting that a pack of bulbin riders was chasing someone towards the city. Slipping into his accustomed tone of voice, Hanz ordered for the gate to be opened and for every available archer to position themselves at the opening. The immense oak doors creaked as they were pulled open, and Hanz could now see what had caused the alarm.

Seven bulbos, each carrying one bulbin archer and one bulbin rider apiece, were chasing a person carrying something wrapped in a yeti hide. They had nearly overtaken the poor sap when Hanz gave the order to fire. The seven archers who had managed to answer his call obliged with much enthusiasm, and in the blink of an eye the flurry of arrows had given the riders enough pause to allow the person to rush through the gate and collapse under his burden.

After ordering for someone to check up on the person, Hanz pulled his visor over his face and drew his longsword. With a yell, he and the archers ran to meet their foes and vanquish them upon the field of battle.

* * *

The twanging of bowstrings and the roaring of stampeding bulbos filled her ears. But there was something else... With a start, she remembered running into the city. She now realized that she was hearing the battle-cries of men of Hyrule, and she recognized one voice in particular. 'Twas her beloved Hanz!

With a grunt, Ashei stood up. She looked over her shoulder at the woman bundled up in the yeti hide whom Ashei had been carrying. She had brought the girl to Castle Town; now all she needed to do was take her to the doctor. Ashei looked around to find an indication of where the doctor's office might be. She smiled when she saw that she was right in front of it.

"Now I'll be able to get you some proper help," She told the unresponsive woman.

* * *

Hanz quickly surveyed his surroundings. He was just short of twenty yards from the gate. He listened to the hash calls of the vultures circling the bridge just behind him. '_This is a brilliant idea_,' he thought, _'To stand in front of the bridge and give the enemy multiple avenues of attack while simultaneously cutting down my own possible escape routes should things come to a tactical retreat. And positioning my archers _on_ the bridge in a single file line was a stroke of genius!'_

Hanz would have congratulated himself more, but by that point the remaining bulbins were on top of him, so to speak.

With a great roar, he grabbed the blade of his longsword with one hand while holding onto the hilt with the other hand, and he thrust the point of his sword into the neck of an unfortunate bulbo, before pulling his sword back out and then swinging it in a wide arc, decapitating the beast's riders.

Another bulbin, having fallen off its bulbo, struck Hanz on the shoulder with its club before getting an arrow embedded in its forehead, courtesy of the Hylian archers. Hanz flinched from the force of the blow, but he held his ground and continued to fight, his already blood covered sword describing a continuous path as it cut down bulbin and bulbo alike without pause. This was where Hanz's true skill lie, not in tactics or politics, but in sword fighting.

_'I really like swords,'_ He mused, before he was knocked to the ground and trampled by a riderless bulbo, its porcine squeals piercing the air as it was filled with numerous arrows.

Then, there was blackness.

* * *

When Hanz awoke, he was greeted by his lover's smirk and a pounding headache, only the latter of which he noticed.

"Ugh," He groaned inarticulately, "I feel like I was hit by a ton of bricks,"

"More like two tons of pig," Ashei remarked dryly. She wasn't wearing anything, and the curtains were all drawn to give them privacy. "But that doesn't matter right now, because I'm here with your medicine." She cooed seductively.

* * *

**Lemon lemon lemon.**

* * *

"My dear," Hanz said after their love-making session was finished and Ashei had put her clothes back on, "You have come to my bedside in my time of need!" He was touched by the thought of such a romantic sentiment.

Ashei scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Eh, not quite... I was actually already visiting someone when they brought you in,"

That piqued Hanz's curiosity. "Who were you visiting?" He inquired.

Ashei averted her gaze nervously before leaning over so her lips were almost touching doppelsoldner's ears. "I'm not sure..." She whispered, "But I think it might be Princess Zelda..."

Hanz's eyes lit up. "This is perfect!" He declared, "If we can turn her to our side... Then nothing will be able to stop us!"

Ashei grinned mischievously. "I think I know a way we can do that,"

Hanz reciprocated her grin. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yep, we sex her up!"

* * *

**And, because I just can't let this chapter go by without checking up on Link...**

* * *

**Violent lemon.**

* * *

"Well, Midna? Do you think you'll ever question me again?" Link hissed into her ear.

"N-no... I won't..." Midna whimpered. _'I'll get you for this, Link...' _

"Good, now teleport us to Snowpeak. I have a feeling that important things will happen there," Link said as put his penis away. "And no, you can't wear any clothes except your cloak,"

And Midna activated the spell, and they were whisked away to Snowpeak.

* * *

When Link opened his eyes, he had to squint for the sunlight glaring off the snow. Now all they had to do was turn around and intercept Zelda... But before he could do anything, Midna had pushed him full force into Yeta, his face burying itself into the fur covering her large bosom.

"Ooh!" Yeta cooed. "Boy want snoo-snoo! What you think, dear? Give boy snoo-snoo?" She asked her elephantine mate hopefully. She really liked the heroic lad...

"SURE!" Yeto laughed jovially, "MORE MERRIER!" He declared in his booming voice.

And before Link could say a word, the two mammoth hominids had spirited him away to their mansion for much 'snoo-snoo'

"Bye, Link!" Midna taunted once he was out of sight. "Maybe we can do it again when you get over yourself, but until then, I'm off to Hyrule," She had a hunch that someone big was going to happen, and that it was going to start in Castle Town. "Well," She mused to herself, "I'm off to see the princess!"

Soundlessly, she slipped through the twilight portal and headed for the portal outside the west gate, now oblivious to the fact that she was stark-naked.

* * *

**Well, there's another chapter. I'd make it longer, but I'm busy. Also, doppelsoldner is a German term that referred to soldiers who could wield two-handed swords. Of course, if you want to be technical, Hanz wouldn't be a doppelsoldner since he uses a longsword, which would be a hand-and-a-half sword, but that's just splitting hairs at this point.**

**And there will be a mention in the next Author's Note of anyone who can tell me what was wrong with Hanz's tactics, or to anyone who can spot the other plot-hole in this chapter, or the Futurama reference.**

**TTFN!**


	6. Hello Princess

**An Immodest Puppet's Proposal**

**Chapter 6:**

**Hello Princess**

**Well, after much trouble, here is chapter six! **

**Warning, this is where the story really starts to show its colors as a parody. But don't worry – there will still be plenty of pointless, poorly written lemons. Also, there will be throw-away characters and and plenty of plot holes – just like a real dark harem fic, only it's intentionally funny.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own much of anything. This is a self indulgent crackfic of a parody, nothing more. **

* * *

Ashei and Hanz had gotten dressed, and they had walked to the room in which Zelda was being kept. They were just about to enter the aforementioned room when they were stopped by one of the last people they wanted to see – the owner and proprietor of the clinic, who will remain unnamed because the author is a lazy jackass.

"Where do you two think you are going, huh?" The comically short doctor demanded in what he probably considered an intimidating tone of voice, as he glared up at Comrade Hanz and Comrade-ette Ashei through his over sized spectacles.

"We are here to check up on the patient," Ashei said evenly with a flourish of her hand, "We are professionals."

"Ha!" The doctor scoffed, "Mind tricks won't work on me, you jedi, because I'm a senile old fart!" The alcoholic geezer retorted.

Ashei recoiled momentarily, but she quickly rebounded and pulled a bag out of her ass. Or, you know, from her belt. Anyways, she shook the sack, and it made an unmistakable jingling noise.

"I-is that...?" The doctor whispered apprehensively, hardly daring to believe his own ears, and eying the suspicious bag greedily.

"Yep, it's a bag of orange rupees. Of course, I'm such a ditz that I might _accidentally _misplace it, and you might just _happen _to find it, and, well, no one would be any the wiser. What do you say?" Ashei asked with a wink and a coy smile.

The white-haired nodded eagerly in understanding. So what if he was being bribed? He was going to accept it, and the Hippocratic Oath could burn in Hell for all he cared. Besides, this would be more than enough money to pay off his various bills and tabs. "Of course!" He exclaimed happily, a complete flip from his just previously dour and serious mood. "What was I thinking?" He shook his head emphatically, hamming it up to a level normally reserved for Shakespearean thespians and teenage girls. "You can go right ahead. I have some other business to attend to, anyways..." He grinned pervertedly as he walked away. He figured he could afford to splurge a little, so he was going to visit one of the many fine houses of ill-repute that thrived in the environment of Castle Town.

Ashei smirked once the lecherous medic was out of sight. By the time the doddering fool realized that he had actually been given worthless crystallized amber, she and her lover would be long-finished with dealing with the princess.

Hanz turned with a grin to his betrothed as he laid his hand on the iron doorknob. It was time to put their Master Plan (tm) into motion.

It was time to seduce the princess.

...

Zelda looked up in surprise when she heard the door to the room open. She quickly pulled her blanket her blanket up over her chest in embarrassment (because it was rather drafty in the room, and she was not wearing any underwear, for some strange reason), but not before Hanz managed to get a good look at her. She was dressed in nothing except for a almost physically impossible, less-than-paper-thin, white dressing gown with a wide collar that was too big for her shoulders and a 'v' neckline that plunged to well below her bellybutton, and yet the garment was also at the same time clearly several, _several_ sizes too small for the fair-skinned, buxom princess.

"What are you doing here, Captain Heineman?" She demanded in an imperious tone, "And who is that woman?" She added, sending an icy glare at the athletically built yet eerily pale young woman with too much makeup on, with whom Hanz seemed to be suspiciously at ease.

"I am merely here to serve my queen," Hanz said sincerely with a bow. He felt that taking over the kingdom would be the best he could ever possibly hope to do for the royal family. "And this woman," He said, indicating Ashei, who improvised a curtsy for Zelda, "Is my intended, who has come to help me please you."

Zelda pouted internally at the news that Hanz was planning to get married. She still had something of an infatuation with him, left over from her childhood – when she had given him her black cherry because it had been the only way she that could make love to him while still maintaining her maidenly virtue. But she was happy, nonetheless, to learn that his wife would at least allow him to lay with another woman. Breathing a sigh of relief, Zelda moved so she was on top of the covers, being sure to give her guests something to rile them up by giving them a good, long look up the scandalously short-hemmed gown at the rosy cheeks of her big, beautiful booty.

When Zelda had finished situating herself, Ashei deftly removed her and Hanz's clothes, before tearing the princess's gown off and attacked her large breasts.

"Ooohhh, Princess, you're much bigger than I!" Ashei purred huskily as she fondled and licked Zelda's bountiful boobs.

"Ahh!" Zelda yelped as Ashei nipped and nibbled on her erect nipples, using her tongue to liberally slather saliva all over them.

Zelda moaned as Hanz massaged her, treating her milky white skin as reverently as a priest might treat the Triforce. She smiled as she felt the soldier's hands working their way down her back. She knew what was coming, and she was going to enjoy it.

She always did.

"Oh dear, your majesty," Hanz cooed lustfully when his wandering hands finally reached their inevitable destination, "But you simply must exercise more – your buttocks are just so large and soft!" He declared with joking conviction.

Ashei smirked mischievously at that. "Well, Princess, it would appear that my betrothed has become rather enamored with your bottom. Perhaps we should purge his body of this adulterous humor?" She jested.

All three of them knew where this was going. Hanz had told his lover many times about how the princess had used to frequently order him to play these kinds of "games" with her, and Zelda had always been particularly fond of role-playing.

Hanz felt his lance harden significantly in anticipation.

"Oh, yes!" Zelda moaned, her lust overriding her sense, "Take me from behind! Make me your bitch!" She was in full role-play mode, and she was playing her favorite game: 'Sacrifice to the Troll-King'. "Feast upon my succulent body!" She pleaded ecstatically.

"Of course, human," Hanz sneered, "Thy nubile flesh shall spoil in my gullet!" He was completely in character.

"Ohhh... Do not eat her, mi lord! Eat me in her stead!" Ashei squealed, not wanting to be left out.

"Thou wilt have thy turn, thou whore!" Hanz growled hungrily.

And without further ado, he pushed Zelda back down onto the bed and prepared for entry.

* * *

**LEMON!**

* * *

Zelda looked up at Hanz when it was finished. She was flushed red and panting, and she was still sticky in certain places.

"Well?" Hanz asked, "How was it?"

"It was... Good." Zelda breathed. It was much better than good, but she wasn't about to tell the thirty-something captain that. She didn't want him to get a big head or anything, but he and Ashei were quite a devious team.

Zelda had half a mind to just hand them the kingdom then-and-there. Oh, sure she knew about their little plot – it wasn't like they were very subtle or anything. But bathed in afterglow as she was, she didn't really care. All that mattered at the moment was the fact that Hanz and Ashei were a good lay.

At that moment, Zelda caught the captain looking at her meaningfully. His jaw was firmly set, and his scruffy beard was bristling slightly, as if it had a mind of its own. (Zelda had once mentioned offhandedly that she liked rugged looking men, and Hanz had carefully cultivated his facial hair in order to meet that particular desire of hers. She told him he looked good like that, and he had been sure to keep his beard like that ever since.)

"There are many things I must tell you, princess, and little time in which to tell you them," He finally said after staring at Zelda for a good minute, "Come with me, we must go to my dwelling place – this area is not secure."

_'And your house _is_?'_ Zelda thought in exasperation, but out loud she said: "Of course, let us go immediately."

And so, the three of them dressed up and headed to the captain's tenement.

...

Midna looked around the corner, peeking out from the alley she was in, cautiously looking for any sign of Zelda's presence. Looking for the AWOL, potentially amnesiac princess was hard enough without having to hide her nakedness. Because even though Midna admittedly wore very little in the way of clothing –even under normal circumstances– there was something about having no clothes on at all that made Midna feel vulnerable.

And she hated feeling vulnerable.

Her musings were interrupted by someone crashing into her from behind.

Midna swore. Whoever had ran into her may not have been going fast, but she (Midna knew it was a girl, because she had felt a small pair of breasts squish into her back upon impact) had managed to snap one of Midna's hastily mended ribs. '_Damn this new Link...'_ She thought angrily, recalling how cruelly and brutally he had beaten her upon the revelation that Midna hadn't been a virgin...

"Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" A strangely familiar feminine voice asked worriedly.

Midna realized why that voice sounded familiar.

"Illia?"

...

**Sorry for taking so long. I had originally intended to make the chapter at least twice as long as this, but I decided that you guys had gone without an update for long enough. Unfortunately, as I am leaving for a family vacation on the second, and won't be back until the twelfth, it will be a while before I post the seventh chapter.**

**But I at least have a rough outline for how the story is going to go, and it will be at least ten or more chapters long, so there will be plenty more to come.**

**R&R and TTFN!**


	7. Thrice Accursed Exposition

**An Immodest Puppet's Proposal**

**Chapter 7:**

**Thrice Accursed Exposition**

**Sorry for the really long wait. I had this chapter almost completely typed over a week ago, but then the computer crashed, forcing me to start over on this more than 3,000 word chapter. **

**On the bright side, I have finally gotten this chapter posted up, and the next one shouldn't be nearly as problematic for me as this one was. **

**On a related note, I'm pretty sure this is the longest **_**anything**_** that I've ever submitted anywhere in my whole life. All for the purpose of becoming a writer. **

* * *

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?" A strangely familiar feminine voice asked worriedly.

"Illia?" Midna gasped in bewilderment. What was _she_ doing here?

The corn blond girl looked taken aback, but she replied, "Yes, I'm Illia... but who are you?"

Realizing she had made a blunder, Midna quickly covered her proverbial ass (while leaving her literal ass blessedly bare). "Er.... Link told me about you," Midna sort-of-lied.

This time, it was Illia's turn to gasp. "Really? You know Link?"

Midna nodded slowly, "Yeah, in a way...."

Illia leaped into the air. "Yay!" She cheered, "This is great. Let's be friends!"

Midna stared dumbly at the happily dancing girl. She didn't have the heart to tell someone like Illia that her love was a sex-crazed maniac. "Um...." she paused, unsure what to say in such a delicate situation.

Illia babbled cheerfully on, oblivious to the Twilit beauty's struggle. "We can have sleepovers and tell each others fortunes and-"

"Um... Illia...."

"-ride ponies and-"

"Illia...."

"-read teen fashion magazines and-"

"Illia."

"-talk about boys and-"

"Illia!" Midna shouted in annoyance. In the distance she heard someone yell at her to shut up, but she paid them no heed. "Illia," she repeated again.

"What?" the girl asked innocently.

"I'm busy with something very important, and I don't have time for this. Can you tell me where Princess Zelda might be?" Midna asked earnestly. There was very little chance that Illia actually knew anything about this, but Midna was desperate for a lead.

Illia rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "No," she said after thinking for a few minutes, "but maybe you can ask the people around here?" she added helpfully.

Midna sighed. "I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to just go up to people and ask them about the princess while I'm butt-naked - someone might think I'm crazy."

Illia could have done a spit take. "Ohmigosh! You're _naked_!" She exclaimed, pointing her finger at Midna's breasts.

"You... You're not very bright, are you." Midna observed with glazed eyes.

Illia pouted cutely. "Aww... Dat's not vewy nice," she mumbled childishly with downcast eyes. Then she looked back up at Midna and beamed. "but that's okay, I forgive you - we're friends now, after all," she chirped happily, before tightly hugging the deposed Twilit princess to her small bosom. "And don't you worry about Zelda," she cooed comfortingly, "I'll take care of everything!" She said before running off to do who-knows-what.

"...." Midna stared, mouth agape, at the spot where Illia had just been. She was too shocked at the fact that she had just been glomped by another girl -_while naked_- to do anything else.

Midna just hoped the girl would be back soon.

* * *

Ashei stared in bewilderment at the girl standing before her, who claimed to be seeking the princess. It seemed exceedingly suspicious in her opinion...

She glanced at her partner, Hanz, wondering what he thought about this, to find him grinning appraisingly at the sight of the girl's perky breasts stretching the fabric of her worn-out green shirt. Hanz was such a pervert....

With a long-suffering sigh, Ashei smacked Hanz upside the head to snap him out of his daze. It worked like a charm.

"Huh?" Hanz grunted dumbly, still distracted with thoughts too nc-17 for even this fic. "The princess?"

"Yes," Illia (for it was indeed her) said frankly, "my friend needs to see the princess."

Hanz eyed her warily as he pondered his options. He knew from his many female informants throughout Hyrule that the alleged Hero of Destiny, Link (who conveniently shared his name with many Hylian heroes of yore) had gone mad with the power of the Triforce. Hanz had also heard that the once-valiant Ordonian farmhand supposedly now suffered from a plethora of heretical delusions concerning the Threads of Fate (tm).

This attractive young girl could very well be an acquaintance of Link, since she was clearly Ordonian - her absolute lack of modesty and nonexistent sense of personal space (as evidenced by the adorably puckered lips that were less than a millimeter from his painfully throbbing groin) were a dead giveaway.

With a pleading look at his partner - who met his eyes and, seeing the desire in them, rolled her eyes in annoyance, but nonetheless nodded in assent - Hanz pulled his trousers down and stuffed himself into Illia's smiling mouth.

* * *

**Lemon**

* * *

By the time Illia was done with him, Hanz was too spent to even move, and instead lay spreadeagled on the ground.

He looked up at Ashei pleadingly. He couldn't even move his lips to form words.

Ashei looked down at Hanz with an _'I-told-you-so' _smirk. She had warned him many times before about biting off more than he could chew.

Illia happily whistled a cheery little ditty in ignorant bliss. She was clearly very pleased with herself.

Zelda watched them in a stupor, apparently forgotten for the time being. She gave the author a look that clearly said either _'This would be a great spot for a time-skip,' _or _'Fuck me raw, you handsome, sexy stallion! I want your thick, manly seed to fill and cover every single and conceivable surface in and on my unworthy body. Fuck me now!'_

Either way, the author agreed and complied with her wishes one hundred percent.

* * *

Link looked at Yeto, and Yeto looked at Link. Then Link looked at Yeta, and Yeta looked at the bulge in Link's tunic where his penis was, and Link's penis stood proudly at attention.

The three of them were gathered in front of the yetis' fire place, where the only sound was the crackling of the flames consuming their fuel, and the occasional _snap_ of a log getting a crack in its surface.

Link fidgeted, unconsciously trying to shift unnaturally large junk into a more discreet position. Yeta's chest was getting him rather aroused. Her snow-white fur was somehow parted like a curtain, giving Link a generous view of her dark gray skin.

"Uh, boy want snoo-snoo, yes?" Yeta walked closer to Link, her form holding him enraptured with a kind of primal attraction.

Link felt himself harden in anticipation, and, in a split second, he decided to do the snoo-snoo with Yeta. Without further ado, he discarded his tunic and got right to work.

Now, for those of you at home, I feel that a lesson in Hylian biology might be in order. Link is a member of a rare subspecies of _Homo sapien_ known as _Homo sapien-hylius_, which would be virtually identical to ordinary humans but for a few distinguishing characteristics. Yetis, on the other hand, are far removed from the human gene pool, having more in common with the extinct _Gigantopithecus blackii_ than with anything in the genus _Homo_. Also, much like chimpanzees, or _Pan troglodytes_, yetis, while having a high percentage of DNA in common with humans, are nonetheless anatomically incompatible with humans. Think about that for a moment.

...Done? Good.

* * *

**Weird lemon**

* * *

"What, done already?" Link casually asked the female yeti as he inspected his nails for dirt. He had only come twice, nowhere near enough to sate his lust, but apparently six orgasms was more than Yeta could handle, because she was out cold.

Link frowned as he looked down at his bigger-than-ever penis. It was too big for him to fit into his pants, and he wasn't sure if he walk properly with so much of it dragging on the floor like that.

Link puzzled on this problem for several minutes before he was struck by inspiration. "Oh, _Yeto_!"

* * *

Sweaty and panting, Ashei dropped Hanz, whom she had been carrying, to the floor. It had taken longer than they had initially expected (largely due to the detour they had taken in order to pick up Illia's friend), but they had finally reached the small, scarcely furnished apartment that Hanz called home.

Hanz rubbed his bottom, sore from being dropped carelessly onto the stone floor. For a moment, he regretted his decision to not waste money on carpeting for his apartment, but that notion was quickly discarded by the frugality instilled in him by his father.

With a grunt, Hanz beckoned to the three girls who weren't Ashei. They moved closer to him until their bodies (all in various states of undress - Midna was still naked and Zelda was still wearing her indecent dressing gown) were tightly pressed into his own. His eyes glinted, and Hanz suddenly tore apart the clothing of everyone present, including himself.

"Hey! What was that for?" Zelda demanded as she reflexively tried to hide her shame.

Hanz gave her an unsettling smile. "It's the primary component of the spell I'm going to cast."

This time it was Midna's turn to snap at him. "What kind of retarded spell would require us to be naked?"

"A fertility spell," Hanz stated matter-of-factly.

"What?" Ashei blanched, "Why would you need a fertility spell?"

"It was a joke."

"..._What_?"

"It's not a fertility spell, it's a healing spell - _Memoriam Restoratum_, to be precise. And only Zelda actually needs to be naked for it."

"Then why did you take everyone's clothes off?"

"Most ancient spells were followed by orgies."

Ashei glared at him. "Is _Memoriam Restoratum _an ancient spell?"

"Well... no."

"And is its effectiveness increased by being followed by an orgy?"

"Yea- er, I mean, no."

"Then there will be no orgy," Ashei said firmly.

"Fine," Hanz sulked, "but I can't promise that the spell will work perfectly; there is a _slight_ chance that Zelda will try to fuck the first person or thing she remembers... So I really hope she remembers someone good." With a final sigh, Hanz cracked his knuckles and started chanting. "Bippity boppity boop!" He said with a grandiose flourish.

Zelda's eyes widened and her expression became distant. "I-I remember..." She mumbled, "Midna... Link! Oh goodness, Link... I-I fear he might have been corrupted by the Triforce of Power!"

"Huh? That's absurd!" Midna exclaimed.

"Not necessarily," Hanz interjected, "if you took certain verses out of context, you could conceivably arrive at that conclusion.... But I digress; we have business to take care of," He stated firmly. He was back in officer mode, and he was ready to kick the ass of anyone who got in his way... as long as they were smaller than he.

Ashei snapped an involuntary salute. This was the man she had fallen in love with - the forceful, no-nonsense hardass who had pulled her into a dark alley and fucked her sideways before he had even learned her name; the ambitious knight who took whatever he wanted: be it money, power, or women. She stared longingly at his flaccid penis, before she gave him another salute (this time making sure to give him an eyeful of her firm, well-formed breasts).

"Now, Midna," Hanz said to the twilight woman, "I have something to show you," He held out his hands, and there was a flash of light.

When Midna could see again, she was surprised by the sight that met her eyes. "It can't be," she murmured in awe, "The Fused Shadow.... But, how?"

"It was restored with a forbidden magic that has been passed down in my family for centuries: the Triforce of Binding," Hanz said as he held up an extremely gaudy golden medallion bearing the image of an inverted Triforce, each triangle made of a different stone: ruby, sapphire, emerald, and diamond. "Do you see that?" He indicated the center triangle, the one made of diamond. If you looked closely, you could see that a circle, bisected by a verticle line that went from the bottom to the top of the triangle, was inscribed onto the surface. "This is a diagram of the Triforce in its original form. In this, Power, represented by the ruby triangle, is ruled by Courage and Wisdom, respectively represented by the emerald and the sapphire triangles," he explained. Everyone was watching the medallion intently, prepared for important mission regarding an epic quest. "But that's not all," he continued, "the triangle of diamond in the center represents the fabled Triforce of Binding, from which my family's magic is derived, and which is believed to contain the power of the all-father of the goddesses, Ord the Old."

Zelda gasped, "Ord? Don't listen to him!" she exhorted her companions, "Ord is the King of Darkness who commands the Dark Beast, Ganon!" She looked at Hanz and narrowed her eyes, "But I never would have suspected you to be a follower... especially since all the priests of Ord were executed as heretics centuries ago."

Midna put her hand on Zelda's shoulder. "Zelda... I'm afraid to say it, but what he's saying, well, lines up with the doctrines of the Twili.... I think the Hylians may have been the ones making the mistake this time," she whispered, not wanting to offend her friend.

Zelda was taken aback. "N-no... it can't be true. That's impossible!"

"Search your heart," Midna admonished, "you know it to be true."

Zelda dropped to her knees in despair, her pleasantly plump booty jiggling in time with her fat (phat?) titties. "Nooo!" she howled in anguish. Tears welled up in her eyes, and the fell to her breasts with a splash, only to be licked up by Midna.

"Don't cry, Zelda," Illia said as she patted Zelda's bottom comfortingly, "if you must cry, then cry with the tears from between your legs. Those tears are much sweeter," she cooed.

Zelda wiped the tears from her eyes as she fought to hold back a lustful moan. Midna's licking was quickly becoming very arousing and _very _sensual, and Zelda didn't want to succumb to such base desires a second time.... Not after what happened to her chambermaid....

"N-no," she managed to squeak out. She felt Midna and Illia stop, and she nervously cleared her throat before continuing, "We should let Hanz finish his speech," she looked at the captain and performed a kowtow, pressing her erect nipples into the cold floor. "Please forgive me, Hanz. I am sorry for my outburst. I-I should trust you... you've always gone above and beyond the call of duty - whatever you do, you have Hyrule's best interests at heart..." Zelda lifted her gaze to the captain's eyes, only to see something terrifying.

Behind Hanz's shoulder there was a tall, shadowy figure. I looked as real and substantial as anything else in the room, yet Zelda somehow knew that she was the only one able to see it. The apparition -for that is surely what the thing was- had an appearance like fire; it seemed to flicker and dance and shrink and grow, like some kind of unholy black flame on the tip of a twisted, phallic candle. Zelda felt its gaze pierce her like a splinter, in spite of the phantom's conspicuous lack of eyes.

Suddenly, Zelda perceived an overwhelming number of jumbled visions. Most of them were too distorted or otherworldly for her to discern, but she could make out a few. There was a murder of crows roosting in the remains of a burnt-out temple, vultures circling in the sky above a skull-shaped hill, an overturned tombstone, a bloody dagger in a naked back, a scythe in a pair of skeletal hands, a viper in tall grass, a barren womb, a shattered hourglass, weeping stones, a ticking clock, a black cat with horns and a non-euclidian pitchfork, a moth-eaten rag, a 'death' tarot card, the kingdom of Hyrule in flames, and Tingle and Navi fucking.

Zelda felt a cold, lifeless hand pinch her butt. She snapped out of her daze to find Hanz's "head" resting comfortably in her "lap". She sadly gazed into his black eyes. "I fear that we shan't meet again," she whispered.

Hanz grinned as he felt his "head" twitch. "Well, if that's the case, then how about giving me a parting gift? Your virginity, perhaps?"

Zelda blushed coyly. "Oh, you incorrigible old dog, you," she giggled before spreading legs, discarding all pretenses of modesty. "Like this?" she asked with a mischievous smile.

* * *

**Wanna know something interesting? This and the previous chapter were originally intended to be a single chapter, but between countless revisions of the yeti section, and the lack of progress I had been making, I had no choice but to split them into two. I personally feel that this was the right decision, because it has allowed me to focus on quality.**

**I had to keep myself from making that list of visions three pages long, and if anyone can tell me the common theme in the visions, they will get... nothing, but at least they'll be secure in the knowledge that they posess at least rudimentary association abilities.**

**Also, Tingle/Navi is now my OTP.**

**...Not really. That would be a bit of a stretch, even for me.**

**R&R and TTFN!**


End file.
